Alright guys, here’s the plan for the 2007 Kill Cancer Death Rally. After much thinking and thunking I decided we need to get a bit more gnarly. That means that this year we’ll do a rally and then *wait for it, drum roll, dry ice, per-lease* arrive at Roskilde Festival on Thursday 5th July.
This means for the same price of entry as 2006 (that is nothing, because it is free to join) you’ll get a monstrous rally and one of the coolest festivals in the world.
“Yada, yada, yada” I hear you mutter “Coolest festivals in the world? That’s what they all say.” But do they all have a naked run at the end of them? The answer to that, dear reader who says nay, is a resounding “No they frickin’ don’t”.
You think I’m lying? Check it out (the video player didn’t work on my machine), some more photos, and I feel someone from the KCDR should prevent Magnus from winning the race four times in a row. We must prevail.
The smart ones wear protective eyewear
The line-up has yet to be announced but last year it included the Arctic Monkeys, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Tiga, The Scissor Sisters, Bob freaking Dylan, Editors, Fat Freddie’s Drop and loads more I can’t be bummed to list. It’ll be great.
Dates and Route
The festival starts on Thursday 5th July (it is twinned with Glastonbury by the way), so we leave England on Saturday 29th June and make our way to the fjords of Denmark. This means we will stop off in Holland and Germany. We could go through Amsterdam, swing down through Berlin or take our time coming up the coast of Denmark which is beautiful in the summer.
Example of a Danish person
(girls, I Googled “male model Denmark” but found boring things like Age, period and cohort effects on first-child fertility in Danish men, part of a discussion of the famous Danish social model.)
If you’ve got any ideas about where we can go use the wiki to share them, by clicking here (a wiki is shared webpage, if you don’t know, moron).
Killing Cancer
The format will be the same as last year: get a car for less than £100, decorate the hell out of it, then get sponsorship to raise money for Cancer Research UK. Cancer kills a load of people every year and it will, more than likely, be coming for you.
Do you know what that means? A lot of pain. Loads. If you’re around at the end of it to go “Boy, didn’t cancer hurt”, you’re lucky. The other option is death, curtains, rideaux, as they say in France. So by raising money you’re doing your bit to ease suffering in the world – which is more than you can say about most road trips.
Last year we raised over £8000 (precise figures still being calculated as my money collection hasn’t been great) for which I really thank everyone who was involved. Everyone who came, and everyone who donated. This year I’d love it if even more people came for a drive so we could raise even more – £15000? £20000? – that would do something to help kill cancer.
How to help (more)
The first thing you could do is come, but there might some who want to do more. I’d love it if you did. Last year I did the early prep work all on my own (eurgh, look at that self-pitying tone, when in fact I got help from loads of people, but I’ll leave it in to remind me to not be a whiner) and would really appreciate some (more) help. Now, one of the reasons I didn’t get any helpers was linguistic.
You see, the thing you do in these situations is to form a commitee and ask people to be on it. A commitee? Seriously? A committee for the Kill Cancer Death Rally is as necessary as a bureaucrat at an orgy. However, some form of backroom organising body would be appropriate, providing it didn’t sound lame.
Therefore, if anyone would like to join the Council of Doom to prepare the Kill Cancer Death Rally 2007, I’d be most glad. What this will involve, I don’t know, but I’d love a hand (as Jeremy Beadle said to the bishop who asked him what he wanted).
Conclusion
The reason the rally rolls is that cancer killed my mother when I was wee. I can’t tell you how much that hurts to this day. There’s a sadness I can almost taste when I think of all the time I could have spent with her. She was a truly wonderful person who got snatched away far too soon. Now I want my revenge.
Let’s review the keys points again :
Last year the rally was my four best days of 2006.
This year it’s happening again, but better.
Get a car which costs less that £100.
Decorate said motor-car like crazy.
Each person in the car to raise at least £250 for Cancer Research UK.
Raise loads of money for Cancer Research UK.
A rallier to win the naked run at Roskilde 2007.
That’s it, please email tomshellley [at] gmail dot com with any queries, thanks so much, and see you on the rally.
Le Mans has been bothering me for a bit. I had been hoping to go there so that we could organise a day of racing on the track, but what with the Renault World Series, there was suddenly a crappy race on.
So instead of sticking with that route, I think it will be better if we head half an hour further south and go to Tours. It’s really pretty, there are lots of students, and it will be a lot more raucous.
Annoyingly this means I’ll have to change a lot on the blog. Drag.
How cool! I posted a comment at Make, a very cool site where people talk about crazy shit you can put together - like how to make a rocket from matches, the end of a sparkler and tinfoil. As well as lawn mower shopping trolley mod : The Shopper Chopper.
There I asked for help on how to, amongst other things, create papier mache labia for the Grrrrowlers, the Robertson and Ballantine car (full thread here). And answers came there some. One from Mr. Jalopy himself, the writer of the legendary Hooptyrides blog, which is full of amazing shit about hot rodding cars. This was his advice:
‘I think waterproof papiar maiche is a dichotomy. Consider instead shaping foam and coating with goo. go to plastics suppliers and ask them about the correct goo to use. high density foam is ‘carvable’ and that is what most movie effects are made of.
As far as metal, consider pop rivets. I think issue 4 of Make had my piece on cheap and easy sheet metal fabrication. Also, self tapping screws are quite effective and fast if not as elegant looking. Go to a store that sells air conditioning and heating ducting and you will be rewarded with all manner of tubes and ducts to rivet together. Plus they will sell pop rivets in great supply.
And, of course, check the many art car sites. They will have good advice as to keeping these geegaws from flying off the car.’
Next stop art car sites and air conditioning shops. By the way, check out his site because your ipod case will never be this cool (or this cool), you’ll never drive a 1960s Mercedes, or own a Chevelle station wagon with a faux wood finish.
Mr. J, thanks for your help and for this line on your blog : “That fits clearly into my favorite category of problems – the Department of Somebody Else’s Problem.”.
Can we borrow your cars for a few days? We’ll be careful
Last night was spent trying to talk people into buying shit cars and spending four days in fancy dress. At the end of each call to a naysayer I’m thinking “God what a MORON. Don’t you care my mother died? It’s almost as though you killed her. Again.” Then I think about the endeavour I tried to convince them into and realise it is I who is being uncharitable.
However, on the whole the reaction has been amazing. If acceptances were the Vietcong and I was a marine on Hill 59, then I’d be in a shit-storm with Charlie all over me, calling in napalm and fiddling anxiously with my chopped off ear necklace.
Big shout out to latest Kill Cancer Death Ralliers Abi, Mikey, Alice, Earl, Fran and Pete. You’re some of the good guys. Thanks so much for the support and stayed tuned for more information.
Embarassingly, he actually, loved the smell of fresh pressed sheets in the morning.
“Red, you will go on my first whistle. Blue, you will go on my second whistle. 3, 2, 1.”
Ah, the joys of Gladiators. But enough of lycra-clad steroids houses, because it turns out quite a few ralliers are ready. Which is AMAZING. I think there are 15 cars that have committed.
That’s a minimum of £15 000 raised at a grand per car, and by the way I’ll be very disappointed if you guys all raise £250 on the nose. As my boss says, targets are signposts not destinations. On top of that I’m aiming to raise at least £3000 myself.
All I can say is a proud, humble and honoured ”Keep it up people. Keep it up.”
“Shadow. you will get kicked out for drugs. Warrior. you should get kicked out for hairspray.“
By that I mean – someone has accepted the invitation to rally. Step up Miss Abi Davison-Jenkins.
Now, Abi’s not the first – props to all you early supporters – but the great thing is that I don’t know Abi. That might need rephrasing. The great thing is I don’t know Abi, so it won’t just be me, my sisters and a few friends coming. There’ll be, like, strangers.
Hooray, the more people, the more money. Take that in the ass Cancer.
And if you thought I was going to write that, at last, I have been accepted by you, well you can fuck off! I don’t need you. I don’t need your acceptance. You don’t know me. You don’t none of you know me. *To be said in Southern fried Jerry Springer guest-style, as I come on in the Dads that Dumped Their Daughters : Can love be a crime? part of the show*.
“You think you know me? You? Think you? Know me?”
It is slightly strange to start giving out information about The Kill Cancer Rally without a date. Admittedly there is a certain glamour attached to this sort of lack. The Rally without a Date gets a bit of The Man With No Name and Rebel Without a Cause cachet, however, it does make planning things very difficult.
So let’s ditch the ado, we leave London on September 28th, hit Le Touquet that night. Career off to Le Mans for some racing (more details to come, these lazy surrender singes were enjoying a two and a half hour lunch break when I called). Bordeaux and wine next, arrive in Barcelona on 1st October, fly back on October 1st.
Tickets and things :
The price of a Eurotunnel ticket is – at the time of writing – £51 (check it here). What’s more, Easyjet have still got £22 flights kicking about. It’s really not expensive.
Through all this it is important to remember one thing. If it costs an extra £30 to take a ferret on the Eurotunnel, but nothing for a guide dog, where does that leave guide ferrets?
This weekend will be a dangerous recon mission scouting out prime targets for our payload of party people. That way, when the nuclear fun-bomb goes off it’ll blow up in the best bars in Barcelona.
That’s why a fact-finding trip will be essential. It is, therefore, in the interests of charity and, by extension, for my immortal soul that I travel to Sonar this weekend for three days of heavy reconnaissance.
I first went to Barcelona last summer after the Benicassim festival. It was love at first bite. Despite not being in the best state, I swiftly realised that the Catalan capital was a one off.
If you haven’t been there then book a weekend in late September to make a roadtrip to one of the most beautiful cities in Europe:
Walk through the gothic old town marvelling at the incredible poise of old Spanish men in their slacks, cardigans, flat caps and Camper shoes.
Eat fantastic tapas at the Cerveceria de Catalan, choosing quivering fresh fish to be grilled in front of your eyes, before washing down a Crema Catalan with a bouncy Rioja.
Fall in love with yourself as you reflect on a weekend that was dedicated to raising money, so that ordinary folks don’t have to spend most of their lives cursing black terror cells that hijack life.
This is where our four day odyssey will end. We’ll have covered many miles, raised a lot of money and know that cancer is a little closer to being killed.
I’ve decided that I would like to raise money for cancer research. The reason? Because when I was blonde-haired, adorable and quite too cute to imagine my mother suddenly died of cancer. And ain’t that just enough to break your heart?
Well, it did for mine too. And now I want to get my own back by raising enough money to kill cancer. OK, it might not be possible to do it all in one go, but I think I’ve come up with a way to do my bit. Providing, that is, I can find some people to help out.
The plan is this : a four night trip, from Thursday night to Monday morning, from London to Barcelona. And I want as many of you as possible to come along, and for all of you to try to persuade friends, family and workmates to give some money for cancer research.
Only the most hard-hearted can say no when asked to help fight the most dangerous disease in Britain. The disease that creates widows and widowers, crying children and crying parents. If everyone raised £250 each then we’d be able to help. It might not find the cure for all cancer, but every pound raised will help.
It will buy another four weeks of health. It might mean the difference between spotting a cancer early or discovering a cancer too late. Hell, it might save someone you know.
Well, that’s the first post out of the way. It’s always a worrier that one, now I’ll use this blog to give updates on the route, the charity and everything else that this will entail. Oh, and did I mention I think we should have a lot of fun?
