Filed under: Cars
Apparently there’s some new form of agism/racism that prevents the AA from ensuring cars that are registered before 1993. That means the insurance for the Volvo would have cost approximately four times the car itself. However, having re-entered the car market, it does give me a chance to have a close look at two of the strategies used to sell a motor on the web.
Good points / bad points
One of the most common strategies when selling a car is to set up the pros and cons of the vehicle. Here’s how it goes normally.
Good points :
- Has original steering wheel,
- Reaches 100 mph in first (if dropped from plane)
- MOTed until tomorrow morning
Bad points :
- No gear box
- No clutch
- No starter
- Built on ancient Indian burial ground
- Carries bubonic plague
- Tendency to “transform” itself into a robot at any moment crushing all passengers
The Traveller
The listing :
“I’ve decided to go travelling at the last moment – because I’m such a crazy hippy – so, I’ve got to sell my car, my beloved Algonquin Starshine. I’d love to keep it but really must go and pick flowers in uplands of Kashmir”.
What a steal, I think. I’ll ring this dozy hippy chick and get the car for some Red Afghan, sitar strings and 4 metres of cheese-cloth.
ring – ring – ring
“Awight mate, izzit vee Fiesta ya want? Yeah, 200 notes an’ if ya need a Mondeo gi’ me a bell”
Travellers are the new little old ladies.
Still need to find a car.
I’m buying the Volvo. Despite worrying that it might cause a fracture in my psychic walls, I totally fell in love with the car. It’s a 14 year old beast with 180 000 miles on the clock. More shire horse than thoroughbred, this blue bad boy looks as though it would keep on going ’till Christ returns.
Today, I pick it up.
There are plenty more cars on GumTree if you do want to come.
Argh, this rally has bundled me up and run away with me. 10 days to go and I am only just buying my car. This is exactly the sort of slackness that I have castigated others for. In future I will not try to finish big ass six month projects three days before I go on the rally. I definitely will not compound this by trying my hand at being a standup comedian, four weeks before I finish a big ass work project.
On the bright side of life, I wrote a post on Project Red Stripe – the thing that I was working on for The Economist – that got on the front page of TechMeme (Techmeme is the geek version of The Times, all of you who didn’t think the iPhone changed the world) and I have found out that I can go on stage and make *some* people laugh. However, I haven’t been able to give the rally the love, care and attention in needs. As I like to think that I can chew more than others can bite off this hurts. Nonetheless, we head to Bavaria in 10 days.
For that we’ll need a car. I’ve got two options on the go at the moment.
Option 1 : The Citroenski – being sold by Remus the Pole who also has quite a large stash of Stella in the back of his car. It is a bit small for five days, I’d say.
Option 2 : A Volvo 440 – buying this 7 seater beast might bring on some sort of Freudian crisis because it is the car my father had. I’m worried that some time after buying this I’ll wake up in a large black armour exoskeleton. My breath will rasp like a phone pest with a sore throat, and I’ll be wearing a long black cape : “You’ve come over to Dark Side, Tom. You are your father”. Cue some sort of internal Oedipan light sabre battle. Though you can put down all the seats and sleep in the car. Maybe the risk of becoming my old man isn’t so bad – bring on the pink cords.
If anyone else is keen on one of these cars and decides to come on the rally at the last minute please tell me.
Once you’ve fitted a large piece of 5mm plywood to your car the done thing is to get it painted by one of the UK’s most talented street artists. At least, that’s what I did. Now I have one of the best paintjobs in the world.
I’ll be sent some photos of it tomorrow, I hope, so that I can share it with you. For the moment you’ll have to take my word for it.
The whole thing was organised by D*Face, to whom I send out a Black Hole Thank You. That’s a literally massive thank. Not only has it attained mass, but it created a gravitational field of such power the Thank You collapsed in on itself. The density of thanks is so high that one pinhead of it weighs more than a four and a half Saturns.
A couple of pinheads of the BHTY should also go to Tom, Toby and Greg who have painted some great features on the car. (Guys, if you read this please send me your sites and anything you’re working on so I can post it).
Not only were all the guys incredibly talented, they were also a very funny bunch. I passed a great afternoon talking shit, drinking beer and generally not believing that it was actually happening to El Presidente.
Describing the car will not do it justice but the moment I get photos I’ll put them up. Thanks once more to everyone who helped paint it.
How cool! I posted a comment at Make, a very cool site where people talk about crazy shit you can put together - like how to make a rocket from matches, the end of a sparkler and tinfoil. As well as lawn mower shopping trolley mod : The Shopper Chopper.
There I asked for help on how to, amongst other things, create papier mache labia for the Grrrrowlers, the Robertson and Ballantine car (full thread here). And answers came there some. One from Mr. Jalopy himself, the writer of the legendary Hooptyrides blog, which is full of amazing shit about hot rodding cars. This was his advice:
‘I think waterproof papiar maiche is a dichotomy. Consider instead shaping foam and coating with goo. go to plastics suppliers and ask them about the correct goo to use. high density foam is ‘carvable’ and that is what most movie effects are made of.
As far as metal, consider pop rivets. I think issue 4 of Make had my piece on cheap and easy sheet metal fabrication. Also, self tapping screws are quite effective and fast if not as elegant looking. Go to a store that sells air conditioning and heating ducting and you will be rewarded with all manner of tubes and ducts to rivet together. Plus they will sell pop rivets in great supply.
And, of course, check the many art car sites. They will have good advice as to keeping these geegaws from flying off the car.’
Next stop art car sites and air conditioning shops. By the way, check out his site because your ipod case will never be this cool (or this cool), you’ll never drive a 1960s Mercedes, or own a Chevelle station wagon with a faux wood finish.
Mr. J, thanks for your help and for this line on your blog : “That fits clearly into my favorite category of problems – the Department of Somebody Else’s Problem.”.
Can we borrow your cars for a few days? We’ll be careful
We need this man to come. His car is awesome:
“He wanted something unique for his 2000 VW Beetle. So he mounted a $270,000, 26,000-rpm, 1,350-horsepower, Navy-surplus helicopter jet turbine in the trunk…when he needs a boost, he just switches on an afterburner (which shoots an 8-foot-long flame out the back).”
Don’t let the fact that he is a Stanford Phd and car computer designer who spent four years making this thing safe to drive, put you off.
You too can build a ridiculous turbo-charged car.
Ideally you’ll be a photogenic group of friends in a tough spot. Maybe one of you has drive to quickly to get a girl? Maybe one of you is a girl that has to drive quickly to get the respect you deserve (whilst dressing up as a man and falling in love with your arrogant rival)?
Find a crap car, a mad engineer, liberally apply a montage and music. Hey presto, something like this bad boy, I’m sure.
