Filed under: Owen Hargreaves
Owen Hargreaves is fronting the Visit Germany campaign and he says ‘Go to Germany or die’. With his eyes. You can see it. The copywriters actually went with “I’m a big fan of Germany – except when I’m playing them”. They slightly woosed out, for sure, but you know he will get the attack dogs out if you don’t go to Deutschland. Did the copywriters want to be responsible for terrified children on the Costa del Sol knowing that when they get back to England Owen “Crazy Dog” Hargreaves will be waiting for them with sharp rusty knife? No, but don’t think he won’t find you.
He crushed over 70 footballs posing for this photo
(if you can’t see the image click through to the blog post)
Scared yet? You better be because this boy is moving to Manchester. He didn’t become a top-flight professional footballer by not fulfilling his promises. His eyes are writing messages his dobermans will cash. Look closely into them. They are summoning you to Germany.
I had to blur the pixels on this picture otherwise you girls would have been too scared of Owen
Even the final tagline is scary : “I’m a big fan of Germany – except when I’m playing them”. Now, I could understand it if he said “I’m a big fan of Germany – but when I play their national football team I really want to beat their national football team.” But no, Owen is clearly a messed up kid. He hates the whole country of Germany when he plays their football team. The man is mean.
I’d be scared if I didn’t spend at least 5 days in Germany rising money for Cancer Research UK.
If you know any way, any way at all, that you could end up driving through sunny Germania on a rally this summer, I beg you to take advantage of it.
Bail if you wish, but I can’t take responsibility for Owen’s actions.
The media frequently misrepresent science stories. They pick up on an agenda and push it to further their own ends. There’s wifi madness which some cynics try to dismiss in spot on cartoons, but the clearest example of this is The Cancer Scare. Not a day goes by without another so called ‘tragedy’. Another child dead, another mother widowed. The papers grab on every downside of the disease – if you can call it that – because they know it sells papers.
It’s the house price of ailments.
You don’t have to go far to learn that cancer will kill your baby, sister or father. Like the reds under the beds, there’s always another cancer waiting to crawl into a body part like a sneaky Geordie burglar.
Don’t get down when you get diagnosed. Here’s some reasons why it’s not all bad:
1. Fewer bad hair days. It’s hard to imagine but I’ve had a bit of a hair crisis recently. Not something that happens to you after chemo.
2. Gets you out of sticky situations. Let’s say you just tried to Google your friends EMO Goth band ‘New Bile Children’ but had unfortunately misunderstood the name, and searched for it phonetically. Then you asked the office whether they knew where you could find ‘New Bile Children’ on the internet. Before you know it you’re engulfed in a shame cycle that a fast acting bone cancer, faster acting than a mob of pikeys with badly spelt signs, eould answer your paedo prayers.
3. Isn’t remembering birthdays shit? A death in the family replaces a forgettable birthday with a date you really can remember!
4. We’ve never had it so good, how can we enjoy life unless we’ve got another ever present nagging worry? Despite Islamist inconvenientists who occasionally blow up Tube trains there’s generally not much to worry about. Until you’ve survived cancer and they give you the all clear. My Mum was given the all clear. All clear actually means cancer could come back and kill your ass.
5. Many/few people long to have large alien lethal things in their bottom. Anal Cancer could be for you.
6. Savex on messy divorces. 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. Divorce is a) a sin b) quite unhealthy for children. c) expensive. Imagine how pleased you’d be if you suddenly found your ex-paramour had a tumour inside them. I’m fairly sure you’d no longer go for the quickie split and quite often ‘lose’ documents that delayed the proceedings.
7. Gets rid of the weak. (Actually this isn’t true. It can strike pretty much anyone.)
8. Cancer can be a great ice-breaker. 1 in 3 people will get a cancer so you’re bound to find someone to share a story with. Here’s how you can work it:
Bob : Hi.
Dave : Hello.
*super awkward silence as Dave realises that Bob has no creases in his trousers*
Dave: There’s a lot of that cancer going round.
Bob: Aye.
Embarassment averted.
9. Faster swimming. There’s a reason Duncan Goodhew won so many medals.
10. Parents, ham up a non-fatal cancer to get your teeenagers back in line. It’s a truth commonly known that teenagers take pleasure in torturing their poor parents. If you do get a nice bit of skin cancer, ham it up, and let it knock the wind out of them. Get yourself in bed for weeks, shave your head, make the little buggers say ‘I wish I listened to you more’. Then stage a miraculous recovery, get yourself off washing up for years and the kids will tell you frequently that they love you, a la Rod Stewart.
If you’re not in total agreement with this list the Cancer Research UK are the people trying to save your family from domestic devastation.
Get on the Kill Cancer Death Rally and raise them some money.
Now is the time to return to London, and a semblance of normality. But you will have done an amazing thing and raised a shedload of cash for Cancer Research UK. Well done you.
What are you waiting for? Book a ticket at Easyjet.
If you’re not sure about it yet then : Look into my thighs, look into my thighs. You are feeling sleepy. Look into my flies, stare into my flies, you are now asleep.
Come come come come come come come come. Come. C-O-M-E. Come.
::click fingers::
So you’re coming?
Filed under: Uncategorized
Arriving in Munich will feel great. I can remember when we pulled into Barcelona last year. I got all emotional because at last we’d made it and this great stupid adventure that I did for my mum had actually worked.
You’ll get much the same feeling elation, without the churning sense of loss, I hope. You’ll have been on the road four days. Met great people. Driven awesome cars. And raised a lot of money. On top of all that, and forgive for getting deep, there’ll be another emotion you can’t quite put your finger on. A feeling, that in England, you don’t get.
Let me tell you what that will be. It’s the feeling when you’re in the capital city of schuhplattler: the awesome Bavarian dance that involves slapping your shoes, thighs and hands together.
And this is just an excuse to show lots of clips of men in leather shorts slapping their thighs.
Lets begin with a conventional schuhplatter. Frickin’ hilarious.
This is discoplattler. The badass cousin of schuhplattler. As cool as Austrian breakdancing to Shakira can be. They have their own site, the never boring discoplattler.at. They are probably available for weddings and birthdays but less keen on barmitzvahs.
But Discoplattler has nothing on this jumpstyle remix of a schuhplattler video.
Jumpstyle is some Netherlandischer form of hard house. In the tube above some jumpers(?) have clearly thought it would be hilarious to compare jumpstyle dancing to schuhplattler. Yeah, because jumpstylin’ ain’t ridic’. Take it away JumpForce.
And just to show that lederhosen make everyone look a little cute here’s Hitler, in leather shorts.
On the fourth day of existence “God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also. And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.”
That sounds like hard work. Except if you’re God, but I bet he was wishing that time would get its butt in gear, and invent the Black Forest. Instead he had to sit around for 6000 years (that is how old the earth is, right?) while one Jew begat another Jew with only the occasional smiting in between for entertainment, before sending his own son down to get killed. After that, the rest is history. As opposed to mythology.
Why was God so eager to get to the Black Forest? To cruise one of the Lonely Planet’s ‘Top Five Scenic Drives in the Black Forest’, that’s why. I can’t promise you’ll find free love on the Freiburg freeway but the routes do have themes such as ‘Franco-German friendship, wine growing, clock-making and spas’. What more could you want?
A good place to stay could be the ‘ageing but still elegant…Sophisticated yet relaxed’ Baden Baden. I would kill to be described as ’sophisticated yet relaxed’. It’s like a 1970 Playboy article on What Your Bachelor Pad Should Say About You: ‘Nothing says sophisticated yet relaxed more than a concealed motorised drinks cabinet’ that sort of thing.
They even have a quote on their site from the King of Sophisticated Yet Relaxed, Bill Clinton: “Baden Baden, so nice that you have to name it twice”. If Bill likes Baden Baden, it it must must be be amazing amazing..
(Wow, Roadhouse has just come on the telly and it is so camp. And so great. In five minutes Patrick Swayze has pimped some chino strides up to his nipples followed up with a super lightweight linen jacket. He’ll probably roll the sleeves up soon.)
On Friday we’ll be cruising down the lovely Rhine Valley. There are many reasons why the Rhine valley is a wonderful place mostly because it has been the site of many battles between the Germans and the French. That’s like brussel sprouts vs badly cooked liver – the rest of humanity is a winner. Here we can find wine, swimming opportunities and good food. If anyone can tell me a nice town to terrorise stay in, I’m sure fruitful cultural interchanges will occur.
The destination for this day is slightly hazy but I’m sure we’ll find somewhere to go. This stop will be in between Calais and The Black Forest. When we’re going there we’ll have to go through Pas de Calais. Anyone with even the most limited French knows that Pas de Calais sounds as though it means No Calais. This has always struck me as odd. As though the biggest selling point of northern France was that it isn’t Calais.
This might be true.
The Pas de Calais site extorts you to visit the coast With its ever changing skies and bracing wind. Lucky I have a degree in semiotics to realise that means it is windy and can rain at any minute. We’re best leaving this place.
Did my less than amusing riff about Pas de Calais distract you from the fact that I have little to no idea what is happening this day? No. It didn’t because you are clever. And I’m not just flattering you. You’re too smart to fall for that.
So here is the first steps of the itinerary for getting to Bavaria and killing cancer along the way.
6.30 pm
Leave London and head for Folkestone.
8.30 pm
Arrive in Folkestone and go through the Eurotunnel to Calais. The price for taking the great metal worm under the sea is just 80 pounds. That is only 20 quid a person ie. pretty cheap.
Buy tickets online at the Eurotunnel website.
10 pm
You will be disgorged by the submarine/terranean train in the lovely Calais. From here we will head to a quiet village that is certainly not expecting a rally to turn up on its doorstep.
11 pm
Unpack cars and head to a bar. Or straight to bed if you’ve had a tiring day and simply too too too tired. Expect to be stabbed in your bed if you take the latter option.
And now we’re on the road.
Easyjet tickets for Munich to London are just 42 pounds at the moment. Get them while they’re hot.
I got mine on Easyjet flight 3420 which leaves at 21:40. They sell them on their Easyjet webthing.
The good thing is that it flies into London, Stanstead: ‘The world’s favourite airport in London’s remotest borough’.
Filed under: 2007
OK, rally time is well and truly nigh. I am going to have to get into major kick ass mode to get it all good. Things I need to do:
Finally lay down the route
Try to find out how many people are going
Divide that number by three because people are in fact flaky
Then multiply by two because at the last minute people will come
So it’s pretty clear. Let’s get going.
I can start by giving some more information about how to get out of Bavaria on August 6th. Annoyingly all this organising takes me away from a full elucidation of Fling Theory.
