The reason that once a year I organise an idiotic road trip was that when I was 10 my mother died of cancer. I was only just 10. My birthday just one day before. Guess what present she gave me for it? The Game of Life. I have only just now, this second, realised the gob-stopping irony of that.
I’ve never opened the box but have, instead, made it into a shrine – no, of course I haven’t done that. Maybe now I’m all growed up I’d try to preserve a deathbed gift in some reasonable state, not then. I played the game a lot. It involved spinning a wheel, and driving round a track in a car, I think. The games I played with my sisters were always I tiny bit weird as I’d left the rules in the Royal Marsden Hospital terminally-ill-of-shitting-cancer ward.
I literally lost the rules to The Game of Life in the hospital where my mother died.
Were irony meters to work like geiger counters, then one near me would be clicking like a loquacious pod of Zulu dolphins. I had never thought of it like that. Wow, I’m going to love acting all mysterious and broken with a line like “I lost the rules to the game of life when my mother died”.
Anyway, back to my mother and my present, because I can see her now on the bed giving it to me. She was so frail her hands could barely move and she couldn’t really talk any more. But she, and it would have been her because my dear Dad is birthday allergic, remembered to get something for me. That I’m related to this amazing woman is a source of confusion to most who know both her and me. I’ve got tears in my eyes thinking about her.
I hope that shows why I want to raise shitloads of money for Cancer Research UK. The best way to do that? Moronic trans-continental rally.
This year there’ll have to be a game to play enroute (wow, isn’t enroute an ugly ass word? I’ll leave it in so you can savour it) but not a game which results in hit’n'run. It will also not involve any form of driving fast, because if anyone dies on the way, I’d be majorly bummed out.
What does that leave? Photo Treasure Hunt. For any ignorant Janey-come-latelies (marvel at the political correctedness of my blog) a photo treasure hunt involves taking photos of specific things, then choosing a winner based on amount of photos taken, and quality of photos. ie. you may only have taken got 7 of the 10 required photos but one of them is David Hasselhoff drunk, so you’re in with a chance.
I hope my kids are as sensitive with me…
Pooling the collective intelligence of Mikey and Abi (ralliers from KCDR 2006) we’ve come up with some themes for the photos. I don’t know how many we’ll go ahead with, but it is a good starting point. Might I add that I am copying this list verbatim from our brainstorming session and that I didn’t suggest any of the offensive ones.
i) Uniforms : most uniforms in a photo, best uniform, a world of possibility.
ii) Risky Sex: I don’t really think this one has to be explained. The middle of really busy intersection (anagram – erection tins) could be a good place to start.
iii) Simple Sex: probably a reaction to the previous suggestion. Watch The Idiots for inspiration.
iv) Porn: Maybe a bit too easy. We’re going through Germany, you’ll probably look at your photos back at home and see that porn was being shot in the background without you even noticing.
v) Religious: why did religion get suggested after porn? Hmmm…lots of possibility here.
vi) Facial hair: once again too easy in Germany. Maybe that should be feminine facial hair.
vii) Babies: awww, cute.
viii) School kids: awww, liable to get you arrested.
ix) Fire: Donald ‘Shadow’ Rimgale: “What about the world, Ronald? What would you like to do to the whole world?” Ronald Bartel: “Burn it all”.
x) Explosions: double points if you can prove you caused it.
xi) Boring: a photographic representation of the contents of Victoria Beckham’s brain.
xii) Fat: honesty points if this is a self-portrait.
xiii) Ugly: ditto. Double ditto if you are able to combine xii and xiii.
xiv) Juvenile Pregnancy: don’t be too disappointed by the lack of pramfaces on The Continent. Do prepare to mock the continental types for combining sexual freedom with a high level of sexual education. What sort of crazy ass idea is that?
xv) Funny: photos of Richard Hammond in the wreck of a rocket car will win here.
xvi) Nun: nuns smoking pipes are the funniest things in the world so you could walk away with xv & xvi. (God, doing roman numerals is tough. I’m going to really start fucking this up if I go much higher).
xvii) Happy old people: maybe they’ve just seen a darkie being run over, or their Alzheimer’s is so far advanced that they’ve forgotten they’re dying soon.
xviii) Celebrity look-a-like: a very good likeness of an extremely obscure sleb will beat a lame ‘But honestly, it looks just like Britney Spears”.
xix) Kate Moss-a-like: or a video of Kate Moss injecting speedballs into her eyes. We can sell to The News of The World, she’ll get even richer and may become UN Secretary General.
xx) Revenge: did someone enter snaps of you for i& ii? Yes, well time to get inventive.
xxi) Naked: shave a cat.
xxii) Angry: start worshipping a Golden Calf at the foot of Mt. Sinai. Remember, he’s an Angry God.
xxiii) Tom Cruise
xxiv) Gross
xxv) Prolapse (anal or vaginal): it will be remarkable if we get this shot.
xxvi) Celebrity prolapse
xxvii) Human representations of everyday objects
xxviii) Hat hair
Bugger me. I really don’t think I can be bothered to give snarky comments on all of the ideas. I shall be more selective.
Food that looks like Jesus – amazing
German and the trickier French people that look German – photo of ID needed
Menwomen or Womenmen
Boygirls and girlboys
Mullet – the next five are really one aim.
Worst outfit
Worst shoes
Best all in one
Wet perm
Cock – why not?
Animals (shagging)
Inappropriate
Stolen goods / swollen goods
Shortest skirt
Extreme close ups
Outraged staring
Sabotage – think brake lines
Piercing – gold star if it is on a rallier. And they were asleep when it happened.
Extra/missing body part – bit mean this one, but they’re all being put on the web.
Artistic
Foreigner interaction – brillian
Overcoming cultural differences – Think bowler hat, onions round the neck, whilst composing 18 hour anti-semitic opera.
Hairy Germans
Foreign muck – or audio recording of “What do you call this foreign muck, Fritz?”.
Dodgy snogs
Accidental sexual encounters – WTF? I think this was Anita’s. No explanation possible.
Foul play
Photo that looks like a movie / song title – a huge scope on this one. No points for The Piano or Airplane. Many for Eveything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask. (That is a really hard face-charade to act out (Face charades? Charades, but only using your face)).
Awkwardness
Illegal
Fuck the police
Arrest
Funeral / marriage
Bullying
We also toyed with a long running game of trans-continental churchlifting. A piece of the real cross beats a phial of Jesus’ blood. Right, I’ve put that stupid list up and now please can you suggest other things that we could do. We need to know.
